New Beginnings, New Me

In the last few days I have realized a lot of things which most people have known for awhile about themselves… I create me. Now most of you are probably thinking “Duh, I have always known that.” What I’m saying right now is, I control who I am; how I feel, how I portray myself to not only me but to others, how I treat people affects myself and so on and so forth. I am the kind of person where I put others before me, no matter what the issue, and I want other people to do the same. The place I live in now is so completely different than where I used to live. Everyone here is selfish and only thinks about themselves and the many people I encounter are people I never want to associate myself with. I don’t want to be the kind of person who only asks people questions just so they will ask me the same question, I don’t want to be the girl who always has issues and tells everyone about them, I don’t want to be the one who hates when people don’t put me first and wants all the attention. I want to be me and I want to be comfortable with who I am. I’m not and let’s be honest, I don’t think a lot of people are happy with themselves. People always compare themselves to other people whether that person has better hair, a better body, a better face, a better nose, better clothes, a better career, a better boyfriend/girlfriend, a better family. Why can’t we all justg be happy with ourselves? This honestly is something I deal with every day! Why am I like that? I have an amazing life and I never seem to notice it. I have a great family (most) whom I love and love me with all their heart and do anything they can to help. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me for who I am, I have a job, maybe not the ideal job but a job nonetheless. I have friends and a great place to live, a life most people would only dream of having, so why the hell am I always wanting more. I want a better car, a better job, a better body, better hair, all the above I mentioned before, but I am the only one who can change that about me. I’m the one who can change the way I look by working out and eating right instead of laying around on my ass all day and moping I did to get up and start doing something about it. You can’t be happy in life unless you are happy with yourself first.

I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years now. It’s been rough at times, and there are times I would love to change so many things about my boyfriend and our relationship but I can’t. I need to accept that things won’t be the way I want them to be. A relationship is between two people and you BOTH have to work at keeping the relationship alive. I can’t count how many times I have been so annoyed and so angry with my boyfriend, but I also can’t count how many times I have looked at him and thought “How did I get so lucky?” But I also think “What kind of guy would ever stick with me for this long who always has something to complain about? What kind of guy would ever want to be with someone who isn’t as pretty as the girl standing on the other end of the room?” But take a hard look into your relationship… What kind of guy would stay with you after all those things that only you think? He’s probably wondering the exact same thing about you. “What girl would want to be with a guy like me?” Every relationship has flaws and let me tell you what your boyfriend is thinking when you say those things. He’s thinking that he wouldn’t have wasted 2 years with you if he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t be working so hard to make you feel like you are pretty and tell you that you aren’t fat and want to spend all the time in the world with you.

I’m sure many girls have been cheated on our cheated on their boyfriends…. Let me tell you one thing, I have been cheated on by a previous boyfriend and continually went back to him just so I could hear how much he loved me and how sorry he was. Looking back that’s so unhealthy and at the same time makes me question my current relationship. I hate feeling like every time he goes out without me he’s talking to girls. I hate being so insecure that everytime he doesn’t answer his phone he’s with a girl or talking bad about me to his friends. I can’t even tell you how awful it feels to be in a relationship with someone for 2 years and still not trust a word he says. It’s not only hurtful to him but hurtful to me. I start to get all those insecure feelings because I don’t feel confident in myself and all I want to do is tell my boyfriend how I really feel.

I’m going to start to get mushy here so if you don’t like this stuff  I would skip to the bottom… My boyfriend makes me feel like the prettiest thing in the world. Just yesterday I layed in bed all day because my back hurt and I had a fever and body aches. I felt like he didn’t care, but he called me at his lunch break from work and called me before his indoor soccer game wanting me to go. I wasn’t feeling up for it and I knew my house was out of the way and told him not to come. He shows up after his soccer game with flowers in hand and 3 huge portions of soup. Those things are the things I will cherish the most. I have the most amazing boyfriend that he will do those little things just to make me feel better. I get to talk to him every day and hear babe and baby and sweetie more than anyone could ever imagine. I don’t care about expensive gifts or gifts at all the only thing I ever want in a relationship is love and being able to see him more than once a week. I love the text messages in the morning and the good nights at night. I love how he gets worried when I drive home alone and wants me to text him when I get there. But the one thing I love the most is hearing I love you and knowing he actually means it, to hear “you look beautiful” every time I come out of the door. I look at this man and I can picture myself with him for the rest of my life. I can picture him being the most caring amazing husband and father like how amazing he already is to me. What guy would let his girlfriends 6 year old neice paint his toenails and fingernails just because he knew it would make her smile? These are the things I will love and cherish the most. I can’t wait to hear his voice every day and hear how his day went. I can’t wait to spend time with not only him but his family and friends. I hate arguing with him but I love working things out afterwards. I love disagreeing with him because I know that no matter what we may disagree on it will never change the way we feel about each other. I don’t ever want him to change because he doesn’t need to. The one thing that does need to change is me. I want him to know how much I love him and I cherish every moment we spend together. I want him to know that every time he goes to sleep there is somone who would do anything for him and would be there for him always. I want him to know that even though I don’t like myself sometimes, it means everything to me that he loves me and continues to tell me I’m beautiful. I want to him, what he is to me, and that starts with being a different better more confident me because I never want people to feel like they don’t matter. So starting today at 2:34 am on August 10th, 2011, I am going to be the person I know I can be, one who loves herself, her family, her friends, her boyfriend and everyone else in the world by putting others first. I want to tell the ones I love I love them more, to love myself for who I am and not dwell on the past and compare people to exes, or people who aren’t in my life today. It’s time to move forward ❤

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